Preciousness of the Gift of Life - Recounting the Blessings

(Picture courtesy: Jean-Marc Arakelian)

Time is flying but life moves on. It’s three years since I went through the knife which ushered a new lease of life for me. My second life, indeed, after going through horrific ordeal looking out for better treatment from one doctor another, from one treatment to another, from one city to another, from one country to another, from one method to another, I am still kicking. Perhaps it has made me stronger both mentally, physically and spiritually. However, may not be a complete man physically!

1. Accepting quick changes in life with an open embrace of mystery

Often I look at life as a mystery.  In the words of Gabriel Marcel (1889-1973), a French Philosopher: “Life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived.”  In other words, a problem may be solved but not a mystery. In spite of a major surgery which, took place exactly three years ago (31st October 2018), my life has been full of action. Living with a particular medical condition is not easy but looking at what I went through with a destructive illness in my body I seem to forget about everything as if I had no such illness at all. In spirituality, this is called grace. Grace is a free gift of the benevolent God. I believe that today I am tasting such a graced life. 

Corona... be NOT my Last Sting!

(Picture courtesy: Jean-Marc Arakelian)

To listen to the audio please click here

The politics around the second wave of the Corona pandemic is intriguing. Along with the nasty news that we hear every day of the effects and destruction of Covid -19, in all of the print and digital media, personally, we are angry not only with the coronavirus itself but also with the government and those who exercise authority upon us.  Yes, both the central and state governments have been stupid and imbecile and we are ruled by an emperor who walks in his own shadow! In the words of Mahua Moitra, he is an emperor who is wearing transparent clothing, while others see him naked and still he doesn’t notice it. We did study about such a personality in our primary school day textbooks. Strangely, now we have the reality of that emperor in the person of our country's PM.

Along with the blame game, however, we should not fall short of our own intelligence and precautions as the current variant coronavirus is deadlier. The mutant variant of this Indian virus seems to be so powerful that it influences our whole organism, and nothing seems to be stopping it including our robust immunity. Everything is put to test with this killer virus in addition to immunity. In this context, could we look deeper into the reality of this virus and save ourselves at least for this moment and allow our death to come at a later stage of our life when it is the right time to go?

1. Let's focus on ourselves and increase the sense of awareness.

Perhaps there is a sense of recklessness in the way we behave in our digital world. With the mobiles and constant messaging on apps of various social media, we have left for ourselves very little time to think about. With the constant hanging of news and views, there is a dramatic shift in our attention. In any spiritual practice, focusing our attention is very important to know what is happening to oneself. Either it is for prayer, or participating in sacraments, Holy Mass or puja, attention and focus are a must. This principle applies even to learning or study. Without concentrating on a particular thing we cannot grasp it fully, extensively and intimately. The parable of the weeds among the wheat in the Bible is apt here: "But while everybody was asleep, an enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat" (Matt13:25). The enemy attacks when you are vulnerable. Rule 14 of St. Ignatius’ Discernment of Spirits states that the enemy lays seize at the weakest side.

Life or Death but Health is Wealth

Photo by the author

Recently, I stumbled upon in my notebook what I wrote  while I was discerning whether I should go for a major operation or not in 2018. I was extremely uncertain then what the future was going to hold for me. After almost two years I see the relevance in what I jotted down just out of my curiosity. 

Readiness for a life of self-encouragement

"Be ready always for a good death" is a common phrase that you would hear from devout people while growing up. But I never heard how well you should be prepared when long, chronic illness sets in you at your young and prime age. More and more I try to grasp at the mystery of life and death, I’m compelled to think more about our life here on earth. Life is precious and our time on this universe is certainly short. However this shortness should never allow me to live a life unhappiness and burdensome, instead our life should be blossoming, energetic, positive, fascinating and full of passion. Even though chronic illnesses or other health issues creep into our mortal body, but we should never give up our passion for a fruitful and enjoyable life. Whether we like it or not we are living in a digital world in which individualism is going to stay and grow. Each one would be looking for self reliance, self sufficiency and self satisfaction either in good health or in bad. 

Listening to Your Body - A Way of Mindfulness

Photo by the author

Listening is an art. Have you ever tried to listen to yourself? Have you listened to your body? Perhaps we do a number of times. That is why we feel the need for rest, medicine and food. Very often we don't listen to our bodies. Our physical body is not that which is out of us. I am also what my physical body is. Our body and soul are one part of a whole. They are very much part of our lives.

Our creator has blessed us with a human body which makes us to exist and have our being. Through our body we do our work, earn our living, showcase the beauty and pray with it. Our mind cannot say to the body I do not want you, get away from me. You are not beautiful, I hate it, etc. What we have as a body we must live with it. 

Prayer exercise of thanking for the body parts

There is a beautiful exercise which helps to pray to God. You sit for prayer and meditatively begin to recall each part of the body beginning from the toe to the head. You name each part of the day including internal organs which you don't see and thank God for giving that particular part of your body. Recall the things that body part can do for you. What it would have been if you did not have that body part. While thanking God feel blessed now because you are able to do such and such a thing. This prayer exercise makes us to thank God for the preciousness and irreplaceability of each part of the body.  

Health Remedies: Aloe Vera and Gastrointestinal Problems

Aloe vera plants

The book of Sirach of the Old Testament writes, "God makes the earth yield healing herbs which the prudent man should not neglect" (Sirach 38:4).  God created everything for our good. Even though His Divine Majesty made us "little less than God" and yet He has "crowned man and woman with glory and honor" says very beautifully Psalm №. 8. Therefore, God has provided us life tools to stay healthy, vibrant and realise our full human potential. You become what you eat! When food is consumed according to our personal physiological needs acts like a medicine balancing our metabolism and promoting vitality. Unfortunately, our bodies grow weaker and vulnerable as years are added to our age or age is added to our years! Our human machine gets old without much to our notice. Therefore time to time we need to do the servicing. In this context, I would like to share something I have been experimenting with myself.

In my previous post, I wrote on Kashaya in Times of Corona. One idea leads the other. Readiness to the new horizon opens up to fresh possibilities and brings us vital knowledge. Many suggested to me that the juice of Aloe vera is beneficial to fix the gastro-intestinal problems and helps in treating cancer. Many thought that I am suffering from cancer even though I was not. Often people don't ask the patient what s/he is suffering from. The genuine concern and interest of people should be appreciated but not always. People visit the patient with presumptions and advice a number of medicines or names of doctors and hospitals without ever having taken those medicines or seen that doctor or hospital. I have a blogpost that I wrote quite a while ago on A Few Titbits While Dealing With a UC or Cancer Patient.

Health Remedies - Kashaya in Times of Corona

Green leaves tea with whole lime pieces and boiling water - Kashaya

We learn from mistakes. We also learn from experiences. The experience of chronic illness of Ulcerative Colitis enabled me to experiment with a number of things. I read a number of scientific articles published in research journals to see what the doctors were doing with me. In order to heal my Ulcerative Colitis, I tried medicines from Allopathy to Ayurveda, Homeopathy to Siddha. There is nothing wrong in experimenting. My argument is that by consuming various kinds of medicines there might be some chance for healing. In other words, a particular component of medication might be able to fix the imbalance that was set in the body.

Every illness is the result of some sort of imbalance in our body. Medical practitioners may call such imbalances as lack of immunity, or lack of nutrition or proteins or vitamins, etc., in the body. The Ayurveda pandits would name this imbalance due to three Doshas in one's being, that is, Vata, Pitta and Kapha. We say the individual constitution of a person is in balance that is when Vata-Pitta-Kapha is inherently at ease and in harmony. Unfortunately, that is not possible. Whether we like it or not imbalance is part and parcel of our growing, maturing, ageing and dying process. Otherwise, we would live just like Adam, the first human being on the earth according to the Bible, who lived for 930 years! (Genesis 5:5).

Sin of Spiritualising our Woes and Illnesses

(Cross of Cardinal Michael Czerny, SJ)

More than ever, there seems to be a sense of interconnectedness at the wake of Corona infection crises. No other time of history of humanity has seen such a vast impact on every individual on earth the consequences of an infection. The magnitude of the corona pandemic and the fears surrounding it are vociferous. There is an unprecedented panic in the world about the present, future and also about the past. We do not know when we would be able to get back to normal life, when our schools opened, markets are free to do business, work places are safe to work, travel is made easy because infection will not happen.

Even though, we are aware that we are all interconnected because we breath the same air, drink the same water, get blood transfusion when necessary by the same human body, rarely we are really aware this symbiosis that happens. In spite of our differences, in our colour, race, langauge, geographical location, religion and rite, yet we are all part of that common whole. We are so much interconnected biologically that human regeneration is possible with people who don't even understand each others' langauge or temperaments.

Pope Francis' ecological encyclical Laudato Si' made us aware how we are interconnected with the earth chemically. We are part of a common home. Each atom within us is connected with the universe atomically. Every cell of our being has to get adjusted to the different environments either it is for the minus 45 degree celsius of temperature of Siberia or 46 degree celsius hot temperature of Jaipur. 

However, in recent years, in spite of qualitative education there seems to be rise in ignorance. Sadly, this ignorance is stemming out of incapacity to analyse the things critically that seem to be very close to us. This happens to be in our spiritual realm. Often people do not understand what Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, the great  palaeontologist and Jesuit priest said long ago “we are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” A good number of people even though still locked up yet are stuck with this virus of spiritualising things. This is what I call the sin of spiritualising. Every religion is suffering with this sickness of spiritualising. The problem of today is that we are unable to understand human problems honestly and humanly. 

The sin of spiritualising occurs when we fail to get things right. When we do not get the answers that we like to get for our queries, we find comfort and solace in spiritualising. Just because you have felt the loss of sense of self worth before the Creator, it does not mean that corona infection has come from an evil spirit. Tragedies have occurred in the past and will happen in the future. tsunamis have occurred in the past and will occur in the future too. Illnesses and accidents have happened in the past and will happen in the future too. This lokaniyama (universal rule) cannot be ceased by our human intellectual or physical capabilities. One of the greatest humanists of 19th century, the Russian literary figure Leo Tolstoy once said  “To sin is a human business, but to justify sins is a devilish business.”

There are things of the world which the mind might not comprehend adequately. The messiness of our life is complicated to fix things up even though whatever human capacities might be. Therefore no one can become the spoke person either of God or to the mystery of human existence.  The Swiss Catholic Theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar put it so thoughtfully, “what you are is God's gift to you, what you become is your gift to God.”  You as a creation of God have every freedom and possibility to act and behave the way you like within your capacities. Becoming a gift to God is a grace which has to be nurtured and cultivated especially in these times of pandemic weariness.

The current problem of today with regard to our health is a serious one. It can be contained if all cooperate and work on it. If not it can kill us miserably. Therefore, we cannot call this killer virus corona as a punishment of God. Instead, we have to say to ourselves, we have created it and its our duty to fix it. There is no any reason to spiritualise it saying oh, God is punishing us because.... bla bla bla. The right way of addressing this issue would be not making ourselves fools or so pathetic and wretched  before God. 

I am sure God must be watching us how best we are trying to contain corona spread. He must be also looking at our fragility and nothingness. But certainly He is blessing all our sincere efforts. This is the time to show solidarity with one another, to sow the seeds of love and compassion to those whom we never dared to show. God does not want to come in between the freedom that we have. It's our duty to fix our problems within the freedom that we have. Amit Ray, in his "Meditation: Insights and Inspirations" puts it so bluntly, “it does not matter how long you are spending on the earth, how much money you have gathered or how much attention you have received. It is the amount of positive vibration you have radiated in life that matters.” More than ever, the Covid pandemic calls us to see the other person in much more humane way than unnecessarily disqualifying the beautiful word 'spiritual'.

- Olvin Veigas, SJ

07 May 2020

Corona Virus: Will You Spare Me?

(Photo courtesy: Jean-Mark Arkalian)

As I am flooded with information after information from all sorts of media outlets about Corona Virus, I have been questioning myself as fear grips me deep within. Dear Corona Virus will you please spare me? I ask. Even though, we have been keeping ourselves untiringly clean and free from any kind of infection both inside and outside of our house, still this thought awakens me from my slumber. 

With WhatsApp Open University offering us both fake and true information on Corona virus, now this disease is becoming a reality in front of our eyes. What strikes me most about this whole saga of Corona virus infection is that death is imminent; death is at our door step. Until other day when Chinese were struggling to cope up with this new phenomena called epidemic, we received messages from our dooms day pundith's suggestions to cure this disease with Ayurvedic, Naturopathy and Homeopathy medicines. Well then now these our Indian pundith's could test on them which they had suggested to Chinese!

Too many questions?

As the news of people inflicted with the Corona Virus surges and in our own vicinity such cases are reported, the very first thought comes to my mind is this: Will this epidemic reach our doors?  How long we are going to be under this lockdown? When will we get back to the normal life of moving around freely and unhesitatingly? How many of us will be out of this face of the earth? When will the scientists find out the medicine to treat this virus? The more I ask questions more confused I become. Therefore, what I have to do is to sit back and say to myself, come on, be patient. Time will give us the answers. In other words, at this moment I have to be patient, responsible, hopeful and encourage myself and others to take this moment as it comes. What wins finally is our hope and faith.

The ancient Romans lived with a phrase which is very relevant even today: Dum vita est, spes est,  while there is life, there is hope. We could keep burning alive our hope as long as there is life. In fact, when life itself is threatened, when there is so much of chaos and uncertainty where will be the hope. First, we will keep our hope and then our life will come along.

At this time of state and self imposed monastic life style of isolation and indefinite home stay, social distancing and hygiene centred formulas that would keep oneself and others sane and healthy, I would like to see this with an early and happy end. My only hope is that this kind of draconian measures of implementation period of quarantine and unflinching gravity of this pandemic should see a quick end. As I read the foreign news media and what is happening in Bella Italia, (read Corriere della Sera or la Repubblica) only a glimmer of hope remains thinking about this global epidemic. 

Just a few days ago, Jesuit Information Service of Spain published an account of a Jesuit Fr Seve Lázaro, who is just 51, superior of a small Jesuit community in Madrid, parish priest and director of CVX (Christian Life Community). While still in his recovery from Corona virus infection in an isolated ward of a hospital, he shared his experiences in a short write up, "victim or witness of Corona virus?" ¿Víctima o testigo del Coronavirus?

Victim or Witness
Fr Seve Lázaro is both a victim and a witness. Unlike other diseases or chronic illnesses, Corona virus does its job quite quickly - either a recovery or death within a stipulated time.

As a victim, firstly, what Fr Seve felt intensely was in spite of a number of dosages of medicines, the fever would not go away. Secondly, he felt schizophrenically uninformed of what was really happening to him in spite of his repeated calls to the medics. Thirdly, he felt seeing himself suddenly marked and singled out as someone to be immediately isolated and to be prevented and condemned to be alone, apart, gradually allow him or others die. He says further that what he carries with him is a profound and fruitful experience of being a witness.

As a witness because to see how weakness brushes against him, invades him completely. Seve says "it is very hard to live there [in the hospital], for minutes, hours, days that last forever". What settles him down now is to see this experience as fruitful that he is human, coming from the dust, an earthly, finite, fragmented being. Often, we would like to live at the center, at a focal point. That is why umpteen everyday strivings both personal and professional happens to be revolving around that of becoming who you are not. Interestingly this Corona virus is challenging each one, the whole global family how weak we are, including the politicians, scientists, religious leaders, health professionals, family members and of course the sick. Finally, we have come to a conclusion to appreciate the fragility, finiteness and vulnerability that surrounds this adventure called "life."

As a witness, because just like Van Eyck and other Flemish painters who signed their works with "as best I can" here too to live this life fully as many do. Even though to live that difficult moment of isolation and uncontrollable fever is difficult,  still gathering that energy to see that stage is more useful than other times. Often we are counted or measured because of how professional and talented we are in our institutions and companies. But who put that in our heads? At this juncture what life asks me is to do as best as I can and appreciate those who are caring for you in your isolation.

Another element as a witness is to see that unconditional truth that we like to avoid: death. As we see the number of people dying, getting infected with this dreadful virus every 24 hours and multiplying, you stop to see the numbers but begin to see the faces whom you love, close family, neighbourhood where you live, work, serve, etc.

Fr Seve concludes his write up narrating beautifully what his mother told him. "My mother, who also called me twice everyday [while in the hospital] on Tuesday the 17th [March] told me as she did on Sunday, the 15th, when I put them on the family WhatsApp [group] the day I was taken to the hospital. She said to my brother with whom she lives to accompany her to the Church to pray. Before she could finish I asked her: "Have you not asked God to heal me, yes or yes?" And she, with her faith of 84 long years, told me: "no, my son, how can you think that I am going to ask God such a thing, for we are nothing? I only told Him to cure you only if it suits. And what I since then begged Him is that wherever you go, to take me there, with you. That, only with you I want to be, wherever you go." In that hour, I just happened to cry. But these days returning to her, I feel that my improvement began there. There inside me, where until then there were only the virus and the loneliness that accompanied it, suddenly I felt that even deeper, and skipping all the protocols, my mother's unconditional love had entered inside me."

Finally, Fr Seve concludes his experience saying what good this pandemic doing. It is bringing us closer to the unconditional nature of life, that is death, which is also love. And when we succeed in expressing it, like his mother did with him, love will reveal itself stronger and will go deeper than the virus itself, until we are ripped open from it. So let us not stop spending our time over the phone to call all those who feel lonely and sick, who are incapacitated, expressing that there is something stronger that is the love we have for them.

- Olvin Veigas, SJ

27 March 2020

One Year since the Operation

(Photo courtesy: Jean-Mark Arkalian)

It’s unbelievable! I am a year old since I went under the knife.  On 31st October 2018, I went though eight hours long operation, thus the agonizing Ulcerative Colitis disease was laid to rest once and for all along with my larger intestine and appendix. 

As I look back the day that I lived with so much uncertainty, fear, and anguish but also full of hope that finally I had decided to say yes to the doctor’s suggestion, certainly, since then things have brightened up.  The amount of time that I took to discern and decide on this important aspect of my life is unforgettable one.  Often, it is very difficult to take decisions that involve very much your life and its future, in spite, of ones stringent intellectual capacities or human feelings.  Often it so happens to us that the more knowledgeable you are less likely you are to take a decision for yourself.  It’s easier to suggest to someone else or decide for others. But not for you…!

I thank God today for everything that has happened to me since I made a decision to break this cycle of hospitalization, discharge, steroids, tablets, anaemia, diet, room bound life, etc, etc.  Today I am full of life and vigour, joyful and enthusiastic, hopeful and looking for the future that only God will lead.  Even though, I was not afraid of death and knowing that this disease would kill me little by little with all its pain and agony, I was afraid to be in that state of continuous pain for long. Because you can take it only to a certain extent. 

In any discernment, listening is very important.  By the time, I arrived at the decision of operation, I had stopped listening to doctors any longer.  Every doctor had given me hope that I would be healed through medication.  I have experimented with allopathic, ayurveda, siddha, naturopathy and homeopathy. In addition to cortisones, I had taken infliximab and then adalimumab biological medications, even tried with FMT therapy.  Only thing that my disease did was to help the pharma companies to become richer and have the side effects on various parts of my body deeper.   First, I received the medical treatment in Russia (Moscow) then in Italy (Rome) and finally in India.  I should say that everyone tried to give me the best medical care wherever I went.  People have been very kind to me within their limited space and time, energies and capacities.  I suppose, ultimately, we are all limited realities or unfinished realities.

When people asked me what I am doing during this sickness, being stuck to my bed and room, unhesitatingly I used to answer that I am waiting for death.  Today, I do not say that any longer.  Death might come anytime but I am sure that Ulcerative Colitis will not lead me to death.

(With my friends on the eve of my operation, 30th Oct. 2018)

On the eve of my operation in St. Philomena’s Hospital in Bangalore I was not sure what I would be expecting the next day. I had hardly slept for two hours in the night.  But, I was looking for liberation from Ulcerative Colitis from deep within.  Sr Regini of the hospital was extremely helpful since the day, I told her over the phone that I’m getting ready for an operation and needed her help very badly.  Being new to the Bangalore environment, it was a challenge in every way.  I know much better Rome, Moscow, San Francisco or London than our own Namma Bengaluru.   But I knew I was in the better hands, the Surgeon Dr Kenneth D’Cruz.  One of the well known surgeons in Bangalore had told me that he would give to Dr Kenneth eight out of ten for his professionalism.  I had met Dr Kenneth nine months ago and he had suggested me of the surgery but I had shrugged it off then. 

On the 30th of October, I received my doctor friends from Narayana Health just to give me some sort of encouragement and accompaniment.  Because I had spent large part of my working life outside the country, so I had very few local friends.  I had developed a notion over the years that it is better to have good friends than your own relatives.  For a priest this matters a lot!  My recently acquired friends helped me in this decision-making and were there in my most agonizing moments.  For me very thought of losing my larger intestine was itself a bad dream, a nightmare; moreover, not at my age.  I hadn’t met anyone with such conditions.  Dr Paul C Salins helped me in every way to discern on this important phase of my life.  I am more certain than ever that God sends always angels of good times at very important moments of life if we still hang on to Him.  Moreover, Dr Salins and Dr Samarth were there early in the morning of 31st of October just to encourage me.

One of the things that helped to calm down myself the moments before I go through the anaesthesia is what the Ayurvedic doctor MN Sudha had told me. She had said to me that when you go into the operation theatre a great fear comes into your conscious however you are strong.  Therefore imagine something that is divine, a picture of God, angel, etc.  So I had already chosen the icon of the Sacred Heart of Jesus which happens to be my favourite religious image.

In 2017, I went through 15 times colonoscopy with anaesthesia.  Each time out of curiosity, I made an futile attempt to know the last thought before I fell unconscious or what was going on in mind during that period of the effect of anaesthesia.  So too,  I cannot recall how the doctors took out my five feet long larger intestine and stitched the end part of the smaller intestine (ilium/ileal stoma) outside my stomach.  Perhaps I should not think too much about this because what is lost is gone forever and what remains here is quality life.  Now just enjoy the rest of your life!

- Olvin Veigas, SJ

31st October 2019

Keeping Face with Life

(Photo courtesy: Jean-Mark Arkalian)

We would like to keep face with life.  Hurdles and difficulties are part and parcel of this destiny of keeping face with life.  We would like to move things the way we would like to, but rarely it happens the way we think.  There are short moments in our life which come as a calm breeze.  They are very essential because they give new impetus to our life in moments of darkness.   

In the last week, I spent quite a good number of hours and days in a hospital.  Having myself made part of hospital life during my illness, interestingly, I feel at home being in the hospital.  I have been given the charge of looking after the old and infirm of our community.  This has made me to make my way to the hospital as often as possible. 

One thought that struck me very strong when I was in the ICU recently is this: People who serve in this precious and sacred place should have incredible generosity.  You need to have a lot patience and resilience to be part of the ICU staff.  With noise of machines tottering every moment without a stop, groaning of those undergoing treatment - a good number of them make their way  UP - the mood in the ICU is not very encouraging.  Since the ICU's are specially arranged, organized and constructed, spending 8-12 hours a day is certainly a tough job.  Moreover, the nursing staff has to be ready to accompany the last moments of those ill and those painful moments, who are lying in a state of "let me go" or let me at least get back to the Ward.

This week, I have to be in the hospital in one way or the other accompanying three of my brother Jesuits, who have to go though the loneliness of hospital life; if one had to go through an operation, other had his kidneys failing and the third found hospital is a better place than a home as old age creeping very powerfully on him.  Being in the hospital, I did a number of things, including encouraging the lay attenders that I have to make adjustments in seeing two patients at once, meeting the doctors who make to the hospital in their own particular time allotted to them, meeting the staff nurses who take care of our patients, who, in fact, give a bitter picture of the person who is under their care than the doctors, consulting the hospital administrative staff to see that insurance and other financial details are settled in good time.

  

One thing has become clearer to me.  Once you go to the hospital, you are not sure when you will return home.  But there is always joy in being with one's patients.  There is ample time and opportunity to instil hope and positivity in them.  Say a word of appreciation to those nurses, security guards and supporting staff for their incredible and life saving work.  As well as instilling some faith and patience with those other patients, who some times feel left out from this healing grace.  

- Olvin Veigas, SJ

15 September 2019

An Awareness of Suffering in Your Own Body

Yes, My body is suffering and its suffering badly.  The reason is the disease Ulcerative Colitis. How does your body suffer?  Is suffering of your body real?  Is your body suffering or you are suffering?  The questions could go on and on your suffering.  Finally, we have to find an answer which involves our humility to accept this complex reality of our human body that is a mystery. 

Along with our thoughts and minds our body suffers when sickness enters.  Moreover the body suffers terribly when we begin to treat our sickness.  We take medicines, tablets, syrups, undergo various therapies, receive biological medicines, inject steroids and so on and so forth.  When we take these medicines, our body begins to ache especially not the part which is sick but the other good parts of the body.

One of the examples I could describe here is how I developed cataract in both of my eyes. Before I could get the Ulcerative Colitis I had a very good eyesight and vision.  Within 10 months of starting my medication which included strong steroids and biological medicines I already began to feel dimness in my eye sight.  The matter got worse when I went through the scanning (CT) of my stomach a procedure followed by receiving a lengthy injection.  Once I got out of the scanning theatre one of my eye couldn’t see anything and everything looked to me blurred.  After three months when I went through second scanning I lost the vision of my another eye. Continuous taking of allophatic medicines cause nothing but suffering of weaker parts of the body.  Finally, tablets and other substances that are injected into the body are nothing but chemical compositions which enter an alien body causing the human body such an anxiety.  At last, the natural human body is unable to withstand with the foreign agent making its home in it.

This above incident suggests that our human body is continuously threatened not only by viruses, germs and other bacteria’s but also those components which supposedly rectify the body.  If you take each part of the body separately, nerves, finger, colon, heart, liver, skin, membrane, tissue, nano cells of the body, retina, etc., you might ask don’t these parts of the body asking themselves why I should be receiving the consequences of an injection which is meant to the colon but adversely affecting the retina of the eye? 

- Olvin Veigas

30 Oct 2018

A Few Titbits While Dealing With a UC or Cancer Patient

Experience teach you many things in life.  Struggling and coping with ulcerative colitis has taught me a number of lessons which otherwise would not.  Books and experiences of others inform you many things. Seldom, we make them our own.

One of the blessings that I have received with my prolonged illness is a lot of sympathy and kind words and sometimes good deeds.  When a person is ill for a long time, many come to see and would like to talk to the person while in agony.  Often such talks become unbearably painful, irritating and even distressing when a visitor unable to read the mind of the patient.  I appreciate always visits by those whom I know and who are somehow connected with my life.  I’m not at ease with those people whom I do not know and have to do anything either with my life or life of my friends or my mission/apostolate.  Moreover, I find myself very difficult to answer those people whenever they have questions on my disease or on my life itself.  Everyone should practice some do’s and don’ts while visiting a person who is suffering from illness for a long time and all the more when the person is young. 

Every one has good intentions while visiting the sick person but it would be extremely good how the visiting person could be a better help than a hindrance in alleviating the pain and suffering of the patient.

I would suggest following things which you might help concretely and pragmatically.

Things may not be easy for you but you can do loads of things and these tips might help you.

1. Good to know who the patient is and what kind of terminal disease s/he is suffering from.  Sick person does not like to show himself/herself as sick but instead likes same things as before.
2. Please don’t ask but just do seeing the needs: Often people give tips to the patient what he should do and shouldn’t do including suggesting a different doctor or hospital without knowing the patient’s sickness.  The best thing you can do is instead of asking “how can I help you” just provide the food the patient likes, books to read, music the person might enjoy, take the person out for some sight seeing, a movie or to a park and so on.
3. Do not spiritualise his/her sickness: Don’t say “God has given you this sickness to purify you,” “to make you holy” or “God has great plans for you”.  Please don’t be God’s advocate. Bible says “My (God's) thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my (God's) ways" (Isaiah 55:8-9). 
4. Don’t preach like charismatic to a sick person especially saying that sickness is a result of your sin or the curse handed down though your ancestors, work of the devil in your life, etc.
5. Remember every sick person prays silently to God, if that is not visible then please remember that his/her body prays silently.  If God has given you life then he gives grace to fulfil it too.
6. Everyone is a theologian in sickness. S/he knows make sense of his/her terminal illness. On of the Church Fathers of the Eastern Church Evagrius Ponticus says “if you are a theologian, you will pray truly. And if you pray truly, you are a theologian”. - Treatise on Prayer, 61
7. Speak with the person his topics of interest like, politics, economics, literature, music, films, art, spirituality, history, science, cosmology, new technologies, etc. and please not your topics. The patient intentionally wants to divert his/her attention from sickness s/he is suffering from. Perhaps you might like to recall wonderful things that you did together when the person was in good health, or narrate part of a happy incident.
8. If you have no time visit the person, one of the loveliest things you can do to the sick person  is pick up the phone and call him/her.  That may be right moment the person is waiting for some sort of solace or consolation.  Or else send a text message or a card saying that “I am with you”, “ I am thinking of you”, “I’m remembering you in my prayers,” etc,.
9. You can’t cure the terminal illness: Please don’t say “you have tried this”, “you have done enough of medications “ “now no use”,  etc.
10. No solutions please.  Don’t try to lead the discussion to the terminal disease the person suffering from.  Always try to divert to other topics.
11. If possible have some laughter with the person. Crake a suitable joke or narrate a numerous incident that took place.

- Olvin Veigas

  29 Oct. 2018

Did we humans get a Savior or not? - A Comment

I received a number of comments for my post on "Why did You get this UC?".  My learned priest friends and lay people appreciated my thoughts over the issue of Charismatics and how these Charismatics devour simple Catholics with a bad theology of sin, satan and sickness. Here below I publish a comment by Filomena Giese.

Dear Father,

I have read your blog in which you have described your experience with charismatic healers. 

It shows the fundamental flaws in this sin-charismatic-healing movement.  

It stems from a misunderstanding to the Judeo-Christian-Islamic teaching that mankind disobeyed GOD and sinned and caused the evil, suffering, and imbalance in the world.  And hence you need a Savior to take away the sins of the world.

There's this strain of religion that has you constantly feeling like a sinner and promotes the idea that we must constantly be praying for forgiveness of our sins and the sins of humanity!  This is the Divine Mercy cult and the apparitions of Fatima and Medugorje, and the new charismatic healing movement these days.

Did we humans get a Savior or not?

The answer is definitely YES.

This new fashion charismatic movement is forgetting that Jesus Christ came to take away our sins and He achieved this by his death on the Cross! 

The second heresy that this kind of charismatic healing movement is promoting is the false belief that one's illness is caused by sin!  It's a heresy in my opinion and against the great Christian belief that Jesus won us forgiveness and mercy.  We believe that God is an all loving, merciful God who would never inflict illness on any living creature because he or she has committed some wrong!

It is also a false belief that some people have been given a special power to remove illness and give healing.  This is what the Fundamentalist cults teach to brainwash people, and get power over innocent people and their complete submission.   There are miracles and great healing miracles.  But they are by very saintly people who credit the healing to God, not themselves.  And great saints are compassionate toward those who are suffering.  They never say that the illness is caused by the patient's sins.  And great saints actually nurse ill people, regardless of their sins and even faith beliefs.  They don't tell them they are sick and dying because they sinned!

Hence St. Joseph Vaz washed, fed, nursed, and often healed the abandoned victims of small pox in Kandy, Sri Lanka, for 2 years, without asking them if they were Buddhist, Christian, or Hindu and without asking them about their sins!

Please feel free to share my feedback on your Blog.

Filomena

Community of St. Joseph Vaz (1651-1711), Apostle of Kanara and Sri Lanka

Editor's Note: Dr Filomena Giese is a theologian and President of the Joseph Naik Vaz Institute, California, US.  Being a great devotee of St Joseph Vaz, she had a miraculous healing through his intercession.  The Institute's efforts were devoted in hastening the Servant of God, Fr Joseph Vaz's cause to a sainthood not only by spreading his devotion through gatherings, writings and a thesis on Joseph Vaz but also making the files on this holy man move in the Vatican quickly, so that he could be proclaimed a Saint of the Catholic Church. Dr Giese's many writings have been published in the Vidyajyothi Theological Journal and other reputed Journals as well.

- Olvin Veigas
11.10.2018

Why Did YOU Get This Ulcerative Colitis?

In my last blog post, I wrote on how a person gets Ulcerative Colitis.  In this blog entry, I would like to deal with another question which purposely I left out to answer. All the more this question irritates me more than any other enquiries: Why did YOU get this disease? Connected with the same inquiry, I would like to deal with another sick question, how did I deal with satanic charismatics on my sick bed?

For my surprise, I find the answer already with the questioner.  Unfortunately I got this question mainly from charismatic preachers or followers of charismatic retreats.  Their number is no small in our Catholic Church today.  Unfortunately, newly converted charismatic preachers and their followers are hell bent on telling you why you get either terminal diseases or autoimmune diseases or any other such bad things happen to you.  The charismatic preachers and their followers have known to hear the voices of God, angels and saints instantly and directly.  These charismatics have ready made answers for you and for your problems with ready made judgements to pronounce on you.  For them, Bible tells everything and gives all the answers.  Without getting into historical-grammatical method of exegesis or going back to the original languages of our sacred scriptures, or going back to the exegesis and teachings of the Early Fathers of the Church, (I spent a number of years studying in two European Universities and one US University) the recently mushroomed charismatics of our church in India make no less effort in telling you how bad guy you have been and God has showed you your rightful place through his friend Satan. Often they come to you as three friends of prophet Job of the Old Testament in different times with varied musings and how you have hurt God, your Creator. 

Unfortunately, the first person who began to tell others and finally told me directly a year ago after attending the National Charismatic Convention in Mangalore, about the root cause of my disease is my own close relative.  Firstly, according to this charismatic, I got the dreaded Ulcerative Colitis disease because of my past sins especially when I spent 16 years of my life with the family.  I joined the Jesuits to be a priest at the age of 18.  Unfortunately, my close relative could not voice out what are those my past sins which are so treacherous to get a such heinous wrath from God.  Secondly, my close relative went on to narrate how he was revealed by the preachers at the National Renewal Program at the Rosario Cathedral that the whole world is in the hands of Satan.  Earlier he had such a revelation from Mulki Charismatic Retreat Centre.  Unfortunately, according to him, I have been badly caught by this Satan and as a result I have this disease and moreover it’s not getting healed for my bad luck, because the whole world is under the power of Satan!  Further, my relative went on to narrate that sickness comes because the person is not praying, not reciting rosary, not going for confessions, not respecting the elders and one’s parents!  The list is endless.  I have been a priest in good standing for the last 12 years and am in the 26th year of my religious life and a member of the Society of Jesus out of which I spent 15 years abroad as a missionary especially in Moscow and Siberia of Russia! (I suppose during my life in Sibera where temperatures go below minus 40 degree celsius - known for gulags and place of punishment during the Soviet times - should have been a earthly purgatory for my childhood sins and their reparations). 

A few months later of my close relative's revelation over my ill health, I received a guest who happened to be a recent convert to charismatic faith, a student of my Jesuit friend and relative who came to see his guru who was in his last stages of life as a result of terminal cancer.  My Jesuit friend asked me in advance whether I’m ready to welcome his student who is now a charismatic witness-giver but wants to prayer over him and on me.  I agreed out of courtesy as my Jesuit friend was my next room neighbour.  Well, this charismatic witness-giver went on giving me passages after passages from the Bible mainly from the Old Testament how Satan is active and why he has surrounded me with this disease.  This charismatic witness giver tried his level best to convince me that this sickness that I have is because of unforgiveness and active presence of devil in the world.  He gave me a number of passages to read and exercises to do on a notebook.  This poor creature spent with me more than 90 minutes, which gave me a glimpse of how charismatic preachers try to fool the simple catholics of today in India and take them for ransom as hostages for nothing.  Even though, I attended a moderate charismatic retreat preached by a Jesuit from Bombay for our province men in 1990’s which in fact, I liked it then the present experience was simply unforgivable for its scandalous outlook.  However, in an another charismatic retreat where we the Jesuit scholastics from Dharwad were asked compulsorily to be volunteers during my college studies, I had questioned myself why our Christian God is so deaf when the whole congregation of people assembled in St Joseph’s Church grounds Dharwad screamed, and shouted praises and alleluia’s in a university town which would reach my university college KCD.  I had found myself an answer then in the Kannada saying "Jana Marulo, Jatre Marulo" when my student friends from the college asked one after another.  Undoubtedly, the academic vigour of Dharwad had made me then an absolute alien to the charismatic shoutings at the church grounds of Dharwad and made any impression on me at all.

A couple of months ago, my British priest friend who came to work with me on a particular project met an another lay charismatic preacher who seems to be having healing powers brought to see me.  As ulceration in my colon was increasing I was confined to my bed and room.  After a few minutes of chatting, prayers were conducted over me by this lay charismatic preacher along with his another lay friend whom I found certainly in some restlessness and went on say “Amen” to his guru's chantings and my priest friend.  As a devout catholic, I said "yes" and willingness to heal then and there.  Towards the end of the prayer, the charismatic preacher said "you are healed" completely.  I said how is it possible so quickly, and their mutterings were answered.  And it was  because of my faith came the reply.  After which they left and I was back to my normal symptoms of ulcerative colitis!  Mercifully, this time, I did not hear from the charismatics’ favourite word ‘Satan’ instead I heard “binding”!

I have received not a few messages, internet links from many of my charismatic acquaintances on preaching by the charismatic preachers in the last three years.  Always with a note of thanks I have always asked them, do you know what kind of disease I suffer from.  Hardly any of my acquaintances or charismatic preachers inquired about my disease and how I am coping with. In sum, for these charismatics any sickness is the direct result of satanic force or unforgiveness.  I found in none of them a sense of reason, critique in dealing with these existential issues, let alone a general good knowledge of our finite, mortal, sickly bodies which are constrained by time and space and prone to infirmities.  The idea of devil or Satan has stuck in their minds so much, sometimes I strongly feel that devil is standing up in them, all he needs is the two horns!  Just like a child which longs and speaks about chocolates, so too the charismatic preachers think and meditate on Satan.  That is why they are so judgemental and their every conversation begins with Satan and ends on Satan alone. When will these charismatics learn fides quaerens intellectum dictum of St Anselm? Faith seeking understanding/intelligence or faith that does intellectually intelligible or reasonable.  When will these charismatics take out from their mind and mouth once and for all the word "Satan", "sin" and begin speaking on and about God, His love, compassion, mercy, benevolence and grace? I wish these charismatics first begin to read Fyodor Dostoevsky’s novels which explicate so vividly theodicy and get to the bottom of the sense of evil in our human world.  Secondly, along with Bible begin to read the theological writings of St Bonaventure, Friedrich Schleiermacher, Adolf von Harnack, theologians of Nouvelle théologie and the 20th century theologians. Hopefully, this would be only way to stop the filthy intelligence being vomited by the charismatics of our catholic church and stop the nonsense in describing the sense of evil in the life of the person and in society.

Unfortunately, until now I have not seen or heard a person of charismatic spirituality either proclaimed by our Holy Church Saint, or on the way to sanctity.  I only know their rates when you call them for retreats in schools, communities and parishes and how offertory bags they open at the end of the retreat when they have mesmerized simple folks minds with sin, Satan, guilt and wrath of God.  I wish to see the charismatic preachers and witness givers men and women of holiness, justice and peace.  And my humble request to these lay charismatic preachers and their followers is that sick and infirm basically need acceptance, compassion, encouragement and moreover silence.  Silence at the mystery of life and death moreover sickness itself.  Thus, people of God understand that sickness or infirmity is a way to holiness and sanctity.  Sickness and infirmity are neither a curse from God nor a possession of Satan but a very much part and parcel of human life on this earth which is short lived.  As Friedrich Nietzsche said we are all unfinished realities.  St Ignatius of Loyola (1491-1556), the founder of the Society of Jesus puts it so beautifully: “If God causes you to suffer much, it is a sign that He has great designs for you, and that He certainly intends to make you a saint.  And if you wish to become a great saint, entreat Him yourself to give you much opportunity for suffering; for there is no wood better to kindle the fire of holy love than the wood of the cross, which Christ used for His own great sacrifice of boundless charity.”

- Olvin Veigas 

06 Oct 2018

How Did You Get This Disease?

Autoimmune diseases are scary and frustrating.  When a person suffers from a such an illness, well wishers and others begin to ask, how did you get this disease?  Or more emphatically they would put this another philosophical/spiritual question, why did you get this disease?  The stress is on “you”! Holy moley, every human being comes into the world with some sort of sickness or bad health either in its infancy or adult life!  Some children are born with sicknesses which might be fatal once they come in touch with this world.  So, why then people continue to ask these questions in spite of knowing the title of the disease?

I have become weary hearing the above questions repeatedly and not less answering them as a wise man or pundit!  Recently, I have begun to answer the inquirers of my health saying either I’m perfectly well or  simply say it’s a private issue.  Thus trying to stop the conversation over this issue temporarily.  In the early stages of my disease, I began to tell the inquirers that I’m getting better.  However, when my own research on Ulcerative Colitis showed and my own fight with the disease continued uninterruptedly there was no end and that there was no medication to heal the disease at sight.  I began to feel the frustrations within.  Nevertheless, I have to find a suitable answer to people where I can quickly answer their inhibitions and prejudices about the disease itself.

Here are a few of the conclusions I have arrived at through my research on how the Ulcerative Colitis comes:

1. UC is a autoimmune disease.  Thus, the disease can affect anyone who has low immune system in one’s body.
2. Pancreas produces pancreatic enzymes for digestion converting the food which is in the intestine we eat into fuel for the body's cells.  However, when there is no enough food to digest, the same enzymes begin to eat up the lining of the intestine.
3. UC by its very name suggests that it is a disease of the colon or larger intestine, wherein ulcers emerge. Thus leading to weakening of the digestive system, inflammation of the intestine, lack of control of the mussels of the bowels leading frequent expulsion of the stool with or without blood and mucous. Sometimes, it could be only expulsion of blood accumulated as a result of excessive ulceration in the colon.
4. Any gastrointestinal problems arise because something is not functioning well in the digestive track.  Before, one gets UC, the person might have been suffering from Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD), Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome (IBS), etc. Interestingly, haemorrhoids, fistula, etc., are the symptoms of lack of functioning of the digestive track.
5. Mind-gut axis.  Recent researchers have been working on understanding this UC based on a number of studies on our nervous system.  Specifically the Vegus nerve seems to be playing a vital game with its connectivity between the gut and brains. When a person is stressed out, under sever pressure, his/her digestive system goes out of order.
6. Weather and environment: Gloomy weather without a sun is disgusting and leaves its traits on a person's health, behaviour, thinking and acting.  People who live in Nordic countries where sunshine is scarce during the winter tend to be different from people leaving in the tropical countries.  When cold, damp, cloudy, rayless days continue digestive system begins to weaken unless other remedies are sought.
7. Here below are a few links which throw more light on Ulcerative Colitis, it’s symptoms, causes, and cure.

https://patient.info/health/inflammatory-bowel-disease/ulcerative-colitis 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ulcerative-colitis/symptoms-causes/syc-20353326

http://www.planetayurveda.com/ulcerative-colitis-ayurveda-ebook.pdf

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/317846.php

https://therootcause.blog/2018/04/18/ulcerative-colitis-ayurveda-has-a-sure-shot-cure-with-testimonial/

http://www.crohnscolitisfoundation.org/resources/types-of-medications-1.html

Olvin Veigas
05 Oct 2018

Nurturing Holy Desires…

A couple of days ago, one of my close relatives who has long been suffering from various ailments told me after getting out of the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) in a hospital that she wished to die.  Further she said, “Why God did not take me to himself as I almost reached the other end”.  In a word of comfort, I tried to convince her that God takes his time and we should be ready that moment when he calls unexpectedly.  Just as Jesus said, the owner of the house would come when we do not know exactly when that day and time would come (Mk 13:35).  Unfortunately, long illnesses and on and off hospitalizations, makes a person suffer ceaselessly and loose interest to live.  The best solution then one thinks of immediately is of death, when sorrows, anxieties and bodily pain will be laid to rest forever.  However, I sympathize with her feelings and a holy desire because more than once I too have prayed for death when things got terribly out my control and doctors could not help to reduce the pains and my body suffered so much causing mental agony and torture.

Praying for a good death is considered a holy desire in Christian spirituality.  When we pray “Hail Mary full of grace” the Angel’s greeting to Blessed Mother Mary the prayer concludes with “Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us now and at the hour of our death. Amen”.  A prayer which, constantly reminds us of the moment of death when the strength has to come from above. 

The constant bodily tormentation with mental suffering caused by painful episodes of illness and effects of chronic disease, certainly leads one to pray for holy desires. When a person is very low in his mental attitudes negativism aggravates already dull moments. Thus praying for holy desires or having an attitude of positive feelings helps to lift up the spirits. It is better to be more joyful and happier than depressed and dejected. A beautiful Russian expression Держать в руках (derzat v rukax) hold tightly in your hands reminds that when we suspect that things are getting out of our control on things which we hold, we should never let it be loosened. A lot of times pessimism, discouragement, apathy, weakness, might over take us but should never loose hope and loose our hands from holding on.

Saint Peter Faber (1506-1546) a cofounder of the Society of Jesus and friend of Saint Ignatius of Loyola wrote extensively on holy desires in his spiritual testament “Memoriale”. His feast day is celebrated on 2nd of August by the Catholic Church. He lived just for 40 years and known to have called for his insistence on dialogue in resolving any sort of conflicts including with Protestants of his time in Europe. Here is a small paragraph from his spiritual diary. 

“On the day of Saint Francis, I was reflecting on how to pray well and on different ways of doing good, I wondered how holy desires in prayer are, as it were, ways of disposing us to perform good works and, on the other hand, how good works lead us to good desires. I then noted, indeed clearly perceived, that, by seeking God in good works through the spirit, one will more readily find him afterwards in prayer than if one had sought him first in prayer so as to find him subsequently in good works, as is often done. For he who seeks and finds the spirit of Christ in good works makes much more solid progress than the person whose activity is limited to prayer alone.” (St Peter Faber, in  Memoriale, 126)

- Olvin Veigas

Why is this suffering now?

The question of suffering continues to taunt us when we ourselves go through insurmountable anxiety about its inability to heal a particular type of disease. I ask this question often why is this suffering now? Why is this infirmity at my tender age or very active age? Why do I deserve this particular type of treatment when I should be active in the world outside? I’m tormented by these questions now and then when relapse of my disease Ulcerative Colitis takes place. I go through this mental and spiritual struggle when I’m back to square one where medicines are not acting the way they should. These questions leave me in a bit of despair and distress but with a hope that I might be able to find a few answers to them. However, I must find a way out with my convincing answers, which help me see meaning in all these things. 

Take one day at a time

Ulcerative Colitis brings to oneself a lot of surprises unfortunately rarely pleasant ones. Therefore unpleasant things which continue to happen is part of the game of this disease. Since the disease is chronic you are not sure when that unfortunate time will begin to bother you. It could be any day or anytime including evening or early wee hours of the morning. There is no definite time or certainty in anything. Probably only certainty that you would have is the worst things that might come like bleeding, uncontrollable bowel movements, weakness including an anaemic state, lack of appetite, fever, pain or cramps in the stomach, loss of energy and strength including inability to walk. The best principle for a person who is suffering from the IBD is to take one day at a time! 

Helplessness when health begins to play...

I never imagined three years ago (since 2014), the digestive problem might cause such a havoc in my life that I would be incapacitated to take up any jobs or responsibilities with confidence.  Those who have ulcerative colitis will agree with me.  This chronic disease is still a nightmare...strange thing is that this disease brings you helplessness in abundance.  A sheer lack of confidence simply engulfs your already helpless situation.

Often this depressing situation could be won over by encouraging yourself like being positive about oneself and others, unstinted confidence to go and look for something that brightens you up, make a habit of listening to music that you like most, reading books if there is energy, taking short walks, doing short meditations, and deep breathings, and so forth.  However taking long and brisk walks are discouraged as it would lead to weaken oneself  because of ones lack of energy or state of anaemia or burning of extra calories which are already depleted in the body. However, there is no point in overdoing anything that I mentioned above. 

IBD Day: Joys and Sorrows

I gave a short a speech at the function organized by the PVS Memorial Hospital, Ernakulam on the 21st May 2017 to commemorate the IBD day. This day is marked in order to bring awareness of Inflammatory Bowel Diseases. More than 300 people including, doctors, nurses, staff, patients and their families participated in this program which was well organized. This occasion gave me an opportunity to say something about my own struggles with IBD in particular Ulcerative Colitis over the years and how I have been able live with it in spite of its ups and downs.  Here is my audio recording of the speech.

IBD Day Speech at PVS Memorial Hospital, Ernakulam 21.05.2017